Smoking is Awesome

Posted in Vices by Dizzy on June 5, 2007

Mary Mother of God I’ve never wanted a cigarette so bad in my life. More than I did 2 hours ago, more than this morning, more than last night, more than I did on Saturday.

Welcome to Day 4. Don’t talk to me.

I think about smoking every minute of everyday. This is the first time I’ve gone for this long without cheating at all – no secret puffs off old butts in my car’s ashtray, no bumming from strangers. Nothing for 4 days. OMFG. It’s a record. An excruciating, lame ass little record.

I am a miserable bitch. I am irritable, bloated, nasty, depressed, edgy, pissed off, and full of noxious thoughts about everything that exists in the world. All I want to do is smoke and smoke some more, but since I can’t do that all I want to do is sleep and/or eat because those are those only two things that make it all go away temporarily. I can’t concentrate on work or anything else. I’m super dumb and unfocused right now. And pissed. Really, really pissed.

The nicotine cravings haven’t ceased AT ALL for 4 fucking days. Is it supposed to be like this? Aren’t I supposed to be over the physical craving part by now? How is it possible that anyone ever does this? There’s a reason why I’ve never gone this long before- because it’s not possible to have this feeling for this many days in a row and not be completely psychotic and unable to function in the world.

But here I am fuctioning like I’m supposed to, trying to convince myself that I just LOVE being a non-smoker, when in fact my chest aches and throbs constantly and my mind is always buzz buzz buzzing with vivid recollections of cigarettes in my mouth and I’ m dizzy and lightheaded with longing. Totally serious. I get dizzy, for fuck’s sake. DIZZY.

I don’t drink beer, even though I really want to, because I’m afraid it’ll make the cravings worse. I don’t call my friends because I don’t know how to talk on the phone without smoking. I don’t want to be around people because I’m in such a bad mood and I kinda want to punch everyone in the face. I don’t want to be alone because I’m a little crazy right now and I could very well start smearing feces on my bedroom wall.

Really, give me unrequited love over this shit any day.

I can never quit again. Which means I can never start again. Which makes me want to cry like a little baby for hours and hours.

Curse those stupid girls in the dorm who made me start smoking all those years ago! Curse you all to hell! I hate you the most!

Blech. Life sucks.


4 Responses

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  1. Congolia said, on June 7, 2007 at 6:44 am

    You need a mantra. How about this.

    There is no aroma as sweet,
    as the hickory smoke of an enemy’s burning meat.

    say that until the craving passes or till you kill someone.

  2. alison said, on August 15, 2007 at 9:17 pm

    Did you quit for good?

  3. Dizzy said, on August 15, 2007 at 10:12 pm

    No. And my biggest fear is that I will never be able to attempt the quitting again.

  4. arvind said, on September 4, 2007 at 1:07 am

    i thought i was the only guy who felt dizzy when i seriously tried quittin smoking, hell i did pass out for couple of hours in office in my damn cubicle and nobody knew. Hadn;t smoked for 2 whle fucking days…

    and i wasn’t even sure why i wanted to quit in the first place. People find it easier to quit if you know why you are quitting… if you don… then stop fucking yourself up by denying yourself a smoke.

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